What is BPD?     

" Princess of Lie "    " I HATE YOU-DON'T LEAVE ME!!  "                              

Borderline Personality Disorder is a form of mental illness that is often found in survivors of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Some abused parties develop BPD and some do not for reasons that are unclear. BPD seems to run in families, but it is not yet known if this is due to genetic or environmental factors. BPD is very common but frequently undiagnosed or misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.

IS SHE BPD or Real Victim?

Baseball bat in one hand, bangles in another, a 22-year-old mother stripped to her underwear and walked down the water-logged streets of small-town Rajkot to draw the attention of authorities to what she called mental and physical torture by her husband and in-laws. The provocation - that she had not brought in enough dowry and that she bore a girl child. Pooja Chauhan walked in a semi-nude state for an hour. And her husband and in-laws were arrested. This after she threatened to return in the nude if the police did not act on her repeated complaints. For many of Rajkot’s gawking denizens, Pooja may have provided an afternoon of unusual entertainment. But an entire society becomes answerable when a homely woman is pushed to such an extreme act of protest. Pooja had earlier reportedly tried to burn herself. The same police that did not act on Pooja’s pleas till she took so radical a step, now plans to book Pooja for "indecent behaviour". After examining her "mental condition" first. Should Pooja be branded either infirm of mind or "indecent" because she rebelled against social and cultural mores and protested in her underwear? Or then, should action be initiated against those who wouldn’t pay heed to her complaints in the first place? Is Pooja victim or culprit

We are not aganist Genuine Victims(less than 1%).Dowry Victims must be protected but THOSE WHO ARE USING DOWRY LAW TO extract money,should be punished maximally.

BPD criteria.
Unstable relationship

Master of lying
Cycle of abuse
Chronic emptiness
Manipulative and selfish
Think that they are always right
Major mental illness and only intimate people know it
h/o child abuse
Steals money,clothes,gold etc and keep it with some one as security

DSM Definition of BPD (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)

Can she be diagnosed?

But I would be willing to bet that it probably doesn't happen that much. Picking up on BPD on a professional's office must be incredibly difficult. The BPD can just be acting totally normal. They can lie. They can manipulate. They can feel fine. They don't know what is going on themselves. When they aren't with their "partner" they may in fact be "normal". These are typically very smart and nice/fun people to be around when they are "okay".

It's not like this professional is in the bedroom to see what goes on. They don't see the rages. They don't see the stages of the BPD relationship. How can they see the intimacy disorder? It's hard for a non to see it when they are *in* it. The professional is on the outside and somehow able to tell what is going on based on what a BPD tells them or shows them? Just seems like it would go underdiagnosed for people who need it.

One thing that gets me about BPD is how normal the person can be in most ways, yet so dysfunctional in other ways which typically are not visible to the outside.

Borderline Personality Disorder is not solely caused by sexual abuse yet for many the link is undeniable and obvious.

In my experience the two were definately and very closely linked

MORE ON BPD.

Handbook of Personality Disorders.

Law and Pschology Disorders

Body Lauguage of Power,Sex and Aggresion.

Regardless of how a Controller with a Borderline Personality Disorder can alter and tailor her appearance and actions to deceive others, she still presents with a clear and characteristic personality pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. These evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later stage, the personality often swings wildly from one role to the next.

The Vulnerable Seducer

At first, a Borderline female may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in need of being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shinning Armor.

In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and that you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her."

It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable. And you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time, because conversation is intense, her attention, and her eyes are so deeply focused on you.

Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.

Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is in her mind it is not what you perceive to be happening.

The Clinger

Once she has successfully candied her hook with your adoration, she will weld it into place by “reeling in” your attention and concern. Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.

It’s often here, you begin to confuse your empathy with love, and you believe you're in love with her. Especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women, ".... But I love her!" Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect - not on one-way emotional rescues. And mothering is for kids. Not grown men.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave tshe horse will be tshe devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

Tshe world ails him. Physical complaints are common. His back hurts. His shead acshes. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track tsheir appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to tshe waning or waxing of your attentions. His complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And his maladies are not simply physical. His feelings ail him too.

She is depressed or anxious, detacshed and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at tshe blink of an eye. Watching tshe erratic changes in his moods is like tracking tshe needle on a Richter-scale chart at tshe site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of tshe needle will predict tshe big explosion.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded his guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in tshe illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or shelp this type of man is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning man. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull him out of tshe turbulent sea, feed him warm tea and biscuits, wrap him in a comfy blanket and tell him everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for shelp again. And no matter how many times you rush to tshe emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at shelping him, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring tshe best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. Tshere will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through his predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, otsher signs will reveal his true colors.

Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned in to reading your needs. It will seem wonderful - for a while.

The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away, but her motive is double-edged. One side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder. Intensity is her trump-card.

But the other side of her is driven by an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experinces, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readiliy percerive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

The Hater

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it's first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You changne and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodolocally you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness..

British Site 

Book Review

False accusation of DV

From Grief to Advocacy: A Mother's Odyssey
by Valerie Porr, M.A.

read here full atricle.

GENERAL STATEMENT:
While I hate to see any marriage fail, my own included, the practical advice, based on the history you describe and the experiences recounted here, is for you to seek legal custody of the children, usually that means either by separation or divorce. Once the legal wheels start turning, though, it is quite possible she will come storming (or sweet-talking) back to claim the kids. (In my case it was that I was evil and should not and must not exist.) But be prepared either way, it may be an attack/block or a "hoover" to suck you back into her world. Remember too that you are seeking custody since your kids need you and for their welfare, while her claims may be more of the sort such as "I need my kids" like some self-validation. Notice the difference? Courts could care less if an adult needs the kids since it's all about the kids' welfare and it's the kids' needs that are paramount. So, then, which parent sees it the right way?
END OF GENERAL STATEMENT

Of course, it's your fault. According to BPs, it always is. Now that you know about the blame game, be smart and get educated here.

Look at the Separating and Divorcing board. The top few posts are permanantly stickied to the top since they have general advice and checlklists of what to do, and of course what not to do.

Often my wife was the nicest just after being the worst, or the worst just after being the nicest. Almost like she couldn't handle being too happy - and of course I would come home and ruined her estatic mood simply by too calmly replying "That's nice".

You need the book "High Conflict People in legal disputes" by Bill Eddy, written for attorneys, mediators and judges, etc. Frankly, though, mediation seldom succeeds. Mediation is for two normal persons and in your case there's only one. Unless she is very low-functioning, she will try to control/dominate every aspect of the case. (One method is by refusing to cooperate, as the courts usually allow mothers a lot of behavioral lattitude. My wife is in effect "controlling" the case by refusing to do anything not directly ordered by the court in exhaustive written detail or by saying, "Talk to my lawyer" which goes nowhere fast.) Also get the book called "Splitting" available here. Don't be passive and let her walk all over you or control the case. You will need to stand up for yourself and the children, at least on the main issues.

Never, never admit doing anything that you didn't do, not even to make a deal. If you admit to a lie, she can hold it over your head forevermore! Especially with claims of domestic violence or spousal/child abuse. She is fully aware of how to manipulate the courts and agencies with her "emotional facts" that distort the actual full truth of the matter. BPs are masters at distortion campaigns. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. Read Page 192 of SWOES. Borderlines often attack when they see the marriage on the rocks, blaming the spouse/target and accusing you of the most heinous things. Their accusations are so predictable that it'd be laughable if only it weren't such a serious matter. Believe me, it's all happened to me and I'm not laughing. Rather, I'm determined to do the utmost for my child.

Document, document, document. Even if she's not diagnosed, often near impossible to do, a thorough list of her behaviors and patterns will help you. You are not a doctor and you are not qualified to diagnose her, so stick with behaviors, behaviors, behaviors. Be prepared if the courts take a long time to sort things out. Sometimes I wonder if they take a long time hoping (1) the couple will go to mediation, or (2) time will reveal the truth of the issues. Give her enough time and she'll trip herself up. The question is whether the court will notice all her blunders. I guess the court expects some "minor" complaints during the case and tends to ignore most of them. They ought to eventually notice the overall pattern of lies and obstruction.

The classic abusive relationship is characterized by a three-stage cycle that may or may not be visible to outsiders.
Victim Beware: You are on an emotional roller coaster ride that will wear you down and deplete your self-esteem!

The Tension-Building Stage: The angry person becomes increasingly controlling during this period, which may take days, weeks, or even years to evolve and progress. Limits are imposed on the partner. For example, the abuser may decide what clothes look "right" on the partner, or what image is portrayed. They may try to define whom the partner may or may not speak with and about what, etc. The control is insidious and progressive. As tension and control increase, the partner attempts to accommodate the abuser in order to keep peace, to please the abuser, or for some similar reason. Despite actions the partner takes, the abuser becomes increasingly remote, contemptuous, critical, preoccupied, or otherwise on edge. The tension and control increase until culminating in the abuse stage.

The Abuse Stage: A major verbal, emotional or physically abusive incident occurs that was instigated by the abuser. A trivial event is often used to trigger the main event. The abuser actively looks for excuses to blow up over, and may set their partner up in a no-win situation. One angry man found reason to verbally abuse his girlfriend and destroy her property because he did not like the size of the pot she was boiling eggs in. Needless to say, the pot had nothing to do with anything. This opportunist had simply received a nod from a former lover, decided to change girlfriends, and wanted an out. The victim is often left feeling hurt - and confused.

The Remorse Stage: Once the blows are delivered, the abuser is calmed. Having blown off steam and regaining composure, the abusive person is full of apologies and promises never to do "it" again - if the partner distances. The more distanced the victim, the more intensely the abuser pursues...and pursues...and pursues. The abuser can be so charming and complimentary, the codependent victim's heart breaks. There is a compelling need to believe their abuser's promises and pleas and take them back. The more codependent and insecure the partner, the more vulnerable they are to the partner's attentive remorse. Abusers during this phase are wonderful! A "normal" person is unlikely to be so compelling and persistent in winning over their partner's love - because they have no reason to be.

As the relationship progresses, the abuse cycle typically escalates in intensity and in the temporal contiguity of its negative aspects. The abuse lasts longer and becomes more pronounced, while the loving remorse dwindles.

The abuser loves a good challenge. The goal is to win the victim back, at any price. At a distance, the partner is perceived as emotionally "safe." The harder the abuser has to work to win back his or her victim, the more the victim is appreciated. Once the relationship resumes, the abuser's mistrust prompts their poor recall of any tender feelings. Their fear inevitably powers the resumption of the abuse cycle.  

Read here

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Persuasive Blamers
Going to Court Against a Borderline
In William Eddy's book 'Splitting', he describes borderline and
narcissists as persuasive blamers. Indeed, many borderlines are
incredibly persuasive, particularly in a sprint. Over the long haul,
people can generally figure them out for what they are, but when you
first meet a borderline, often you like them a lot. In fact,
sometimes you even fall in love with one. Since they don't have the
gas to go the distance, they often engage in whirlwind courtships,
and you end up married before you know them. (See Siren's Dance for a
great case study of how this can happen.) Frequently, this all too
fast marrying leads to an all too slow divorce.

Going to court versus someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
(BPD) is another disorienting trip through Alice's Looking Glass or
to Oz. Because many high functioning borderlines appear normal or
even attractive while out in society, one of the greatest risks in
going to court is the Elmer Fudd -vs- Bugs Bunny syndrome. You may
appear to the court to be making outrageous statements about a
person, who to the court, appears to be totally normal and rational.
The judge might even 'fall in love' with the borderline in the sense
of making a judgment that they are more believable than you. This is
all too often the case because of their short term charm. You cannot
allow this to happen. Since you only have control over you,
exercising constraint is very important. You must not be too passive,
too aggressive, too angry or not angry enough. It's a delicate
balancing act in a cauldron of high emotion and slippery facts.

Contrary to popular belief and the Hollywood view, court is not about
finding the truth. It is about perception. The perception of one man
or woman, the judge. As a human being with limited knowledge, and
limited time to collect facts, the judge is only able to make
decisions based upon what is presented. Don't expect your lawyer to
turn everything around at the last minute by making your soon to be
ex-spouse break down Perry Mason-like on the stand.

Many borderlines are highly persuasive over short periods of time.
Since most court appearances are very brief, relatively speaking, the
mask that they wear while in public is difficult to see around during
these brief encounters. It's not the Judge's fault. If you fail,
usually it will be because there were not enough admissible facts, or
you didn't prepare sufficient or persuasive enough evidence, or the
lies of the other party were more persuasive.

What to do
There are a few simple things that can help with this a lot. The most
important thing is to focus on evidence. Evidence is not what you
say, or even what you know, but is rather what you can prove under
the rules of evidence. Evidence can come in the form of witnesses,
documentation or perhaps media (tape recordings and so forth). It is
also important to educate your lawyer on the situation, or cheaper,
find a lawyer who is already educated in matters of personality
disorders. Familiarize yourself with the rules of evidence,
particularly the rules of hearsay, as they are important to what you
can and cannot present in court.

The borderline personality is at home in the court system. The court
system is all about making black and white decisions, guilty, not
guilty, divorced, are all digital states. Does this sound familiar?
For the same reasons that mediation with borderlines fails, going to
court is often a successful venue for the borderline personality.

You have to put on the "full armor of God" when you go to court. The
time for nice is long since past. Being assertive and forcefully
truthful in court is vital. Be cautious of appearing too stoic though
as you could be perceived as anti-social.

Understand the process of divorce in your state as close to the
beginning of the process as possible. Make sure you understand
discovery, orders to show cause, preliminary hearings, Ex Parte
hearings and trials. Be prepared for each of these appropriately.
Being VERY prepared for the earliest hearings, especially those
involving temporary custody of children is vital, decisions reached
early in the process have a way of "sticking" throughout the rest of
the child's life until the age of majority (typically 18). So don't
let a lawyer tell you that the initial hearings are just temporary,
and not to worry, we'll fix it later. Line your ducks up early.

Know the role of each person who could be involved; the judge, the
lawyers, the Guardian ad Litem, Special Masters, Evaluators, etc.

Make sure you understand projection. It is a powerful tool of the
borderline in court.

Understand that borderlines have a sense of entitlement that knows no
bounds. When the Vikings first went to Paris, they were given piles
of loot to go away and never come back. This giving in had the
opposite effect, and the Parisians had no end of problems with the
Vikings for centuries afterwards. They would have been better off
fighting hard the first time. The same holds true for court battles
with your BPSO.

If it is supported in your jurisdiction, get a third party appointed
to mediate minor problems. In some jurisdictions, these are Special
Masters, Guardian Ad Litem or private third party services. Use of
these services to schedule visitation and resolve other minor issues
is far cheaper than going to court each time. In addition, going to
court is often such a slow process that the issue doesn't get
resolved until it is too late.

Prepare for potential divorce years ahead of time. Keep a journal. Be
on top of the financial dealings of the household. Keep your records
or copies somewhere besides the primary residence. Get a post office
box. If legal in your jurisdiction, tape record or surreptitiously
video tape raging. Keep all of this secret from your spouse. While
all of this feels very sneaky, you may be very glad you did this
later. Understand that the court may see any current actions of your
spouse under the guise of "divorce induced stress", not understanding
that these behaviors have been going on for years. You must show the
pattern prior to filing for divorce to be persuasive.

Understand the role of evaluators. These are the people who generally
decide things like custody. The judge just rubber stamps their
decision nine times out of ten. Make sure to take the evaluation
process seriously.

Bifurcation is a useful tool. If you can get your marriage ended
prior to deciding the issues, this deescalates the situation for the
borderline. They know they have lost you, and thusly their
abandonment trigger has been fired all at once, and won't have as
much ammunition to fire in the future. This can speed things up and
save a lot of money.

The Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared" applies doubly to this situation.

You may not believe that your spouse will lie in court. Be prepared
for it as a distinct possibility. Know that it does happen in most
cases. It comes from self defense. We believe in our society that
even murder is justified in cases of self defense, so when their very
existence is about to be snuffed out by your abandoning them, lying
is justified in their minds. They may not even think of it as lying
because due to their cognitive distortions, extreme feelings create
extreme facts.

First impressions are important in court. Dress appropriately. Be
calm. Be fully honest from the very beginning about the deficiencies
of your BPSO. Don't hold anything back, but at the same time don't
appear angry. Just present your case forcefully and assertively. This
is hard for a non to do because we don't want to damage our BPSOs.
You simply cannot afford to be nice to the other person in court, it
won't go your way. Be civil, not merciful.

Never allow your BPSO to be given a lie detector test. They can often
fool these devices because they truly believe the constructions they
have created in their minds.

Your BPSO can be persuasive simply by repeating lies. Repeat a lie
often enough, and people will believe you.

One of the more difficult decisions is whether to bring up borderline
personality disorder itself before the judge or the evaluator. If you
have a firm diagnosis from a therapist who has been working with your
significant other for some time, you might seriously consider it. If
you have a difference of opinion between therapists, or don't have an
official diagnosis, I'd say forget about it. Does that mean they win?
No. What it means is that you have to focus on the behaviors not the
diagnosis. You know the behaviors they exhibit because you know which
lines in the DSM describe them. Most borderlines, for example, rage.
Focus on the raging. If you have a witness of the raging, get that
person to the evaluator and if necessary to the judge. Trying to
prove that they have BPD is not helpful.

Court brings out the worst in everyone. This is doubly true of
borderlines. The gloves are off, and they are fighting in their mind
for their very survival. Remember the analogy from SWOE about the
four year old being left alone in the mall and that's how someone
with bp traits feels all the time? Well, a borderline in the middle
of a divorce may feel they are being left out on the ice to freeze to
death. They now know that they were right all along, and that it
always was your intention to abandon them. You are now the anti-
Christ. Their world view is that if they are going down, they are
going to take you and everyone else who 'caused' their problems with
them.

The time for walking on eggshells is long since past. Be safe, get a
security system, move, whatever is necessary, but stop walking on
eggshells.

Stop communicating off the record. Communicate ONLY through your
lawyer or special master. While this may seem slow, ineffective, or
expensive, it will be quicker, more effective and less expensive over
time. Your emotional outbursts will cost you later.

Giving in early will be unlikely to produce a good outcome. Some of
the best results come from fighting hard. Don't let them think you
are still the pushover you were when you were with them. Don't hold
back facts from the court because they may offend your significant
other, in fact by embarrassing them in court, you may help cool their
desire to visit court again.

Without Kids
If you don't have children, count your lucky stars, twice. All you
have to fight over is things. Money, cars and homes can be replaced
in time (assuming the stupid economy ever recovers). Alimony can be
paid (if you are male). You might even be ruined financially, but
then again, without the drag of BPD on your life, what might you be
able to achieve? Most women who divorce end up with less resources
than they had before. Most men end up with more, despite the fact
that men most often pay alimony.

In many cases, mediation will proceed trial proceedings. We discuss
mediation elsewhere, but we'll mention here that entitlement is the
key feature of the borderline personality that enters into mediation.

If you are married to a borderline, but are not currently considering
divorce, at least consider sterilization or long term birth control,
so that you don't have to go through this with children should things
change in the future. In addition, having a child can trigger
abandonment feelings in your significant other and change
relationship dynamics so much that divorce then becomes inevitable
for the sake of the children. Read the books on divorce, and have an
attorney in mind, since it is just as likely that your significant
other will file for divorce abandoning you before you can abandon
them.